How the fuck is it September?

Anyway, I went downtown with F today. We walked around for five hours, going to the mall and the head shop. I also bought a cute floral dress from H&M in a size 8. I thought I was a 10 or 12 but I was surprised to find that it fit perfectly. The cashier at the head shop was incredibly hot and funny and I wish that I wasn’t jailbait. I bought a new green and blue pipe just so I could talk to him longer. I was going to break it in tonight but I’m exhausted.

I had a chocolate chip cookie from Tim Horton’s today (230) at noon. Now it’s 8 and I’m hungry but I don’t know if I should bother eating. Maybe I’ll just sleep.

I feel like a cow. A big fat cow. I weighed myself before dinner and I was 163.6. I’ve probably gone up after eating. Maybe I’m being irrational but it’s frightening. I’m going to liquid fast tomorrow. I need to be as close as possible to 159 by Friday.

I don’t want to think about my stomach anymore. If I do, I’m going to throw up. I’m just going to watch the food network and reblog beautiful people. Then maybe, if I’m lucky, I’ll fall into a peaceful deep sleep. 

INTAKE

• Half-cup spaghetti (approx. 100)
• 2 Peanut butter cookies (140)

OUTTAKE

• Ballet (361)

NET

• -121 calories

I had a pretty good day today. I went on a walk with my mom and my dog in the afternoon, and then I had a pretty great time at dance. I got complimented by my teacher a few times and she let me teach the younger kids at the end of their class.

I absolutely love teaching children how to dance, they’re always so energetic and determined when they learn something new. One girl was only a year younger than me but the majority of the class was around 9-12.

Now I’m vegetating on the couch while I watch the new episode of What Not to Wear. Hopefully I’ll be down a pound or two in the morning.

INTAKE

• Homemade Salad x2 (100?)
• Kashi Strawberry Baked Bar (120) 

OUTTAKE

• 45 min. Acro (226)
• 45 min. Jazz (271)

NET

• -287 calories

INTAKE

• Lick’s Nature Wrap (380)

I did nothing except cry and watch the The Breakfast Club all day. I freaked out when my friend called me ugly and I realized just how dependent I am on cutting. As soon as the words sank in and I took it to heart, I ran to the upstairs bathroom with the intent to cut. I didn’t give in to it because I realized how fucked up it all was. I know that I’m getting closer and closer to just relapsing back into it but I don’t want to. I don’t want to ruin seven months of progress. Something is bound to push me sooner or later; hopefully later.

CONSUMED

• Shrimp marinara w/ noodles (190)
• 15 Vegetable Thins (80)
• 2 tbsp light cream cheese (60)

BURNED

• Dog walking (68)

NET

• 262 calories

500 calories (or less)

Intake:

• 2 veggie hot dogs (100)

Outtake:

• Ballet and pointe (575)

Net:

• -475 calories

172.4 lbs. Four pounds in two days. I feel like shit. I look like shit. I cried the whole way home from my dance class. I want to cry now but I can’t. I’m just numb. I hate this.

500 calories (or less)

Intake:

• Baked potato with broccoli and cheese (330)
• 2 veggie hot dogs (100)
• 3 pickles (9)

Weighed in at 176.6 this morning. I’m now at 173.8 lbs. I guess you could say that I’m feeling motivated today.

EDIT: I decided to eat a late dinner, which is a horrible idea, and ended up purging it.